Reporters keep asking, “Is American Ready For A Woman President?” And even though 92% of Americans polled by CBS say yes, dumbass journalists keep asking the question.

My favourite response to this question comes from Elayne Boosler when she said, “Go To Hell. ” But then there are others who say that America isn’t ready, because somehow a person capable of running for office isn’t capable of dealing with accusations of being a lesbian . Now I’m not a big Clinton supporter, but you have to agree that it says something for someone when the worst insult they can come up with is to say you’re tough, bitchy, and probably a lesbian. Note that among those “insults”, nobody has called her stupid.

So it’s journalists that are asking the dumb question, and not “real” people, but just to play along, what would they, the voting American public, have to do to get ready?

I suppose it depends on what you think might happen when a woman gets elected. We’ve had female leaders in the UK and around the world, and I don’t think it required that they reprint all the ballots in pink, nor did they have to close down the government one week out of four. Amazing, huh?

I suppose the biggest thing that needs to be decided before an American woman can become president is what to call her husband. The First Gentleman? That sounds… ridiculous. However, considering that there is only one woman running for president, and were she to win, her husband will be called, as he is entitled to be called for the rest of his life, President Clinton, then it really isn’t something we need to struggle with for a few more years.

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Most everyone in the US will have heard of the Fox program “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” and it seems we’re getting our own version in the UK called “Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old”

While I like the concept of the show: illustrating what morons most of us are and how we’ve lost touch with the basic knowledge we (possibly) learned in school by asking questions from 5th grade (and lower) textbooks about Social Studies, Science, Math, Geography, etc.

However the truth is, when we become adults, not only do the questions change, but the entire format of questions in our lives change.  It’s no longer “What is the capitol of…” but “Why on earth did X do that and what am I supposed to do now?”

I’d like to see 5th graders tackle the questions real life throws at you…

• Your child calls you at 3 in the morning, drunk, when you thought they were asleep in their room.  What do you do?
  1. Go get them and tell them how much you love them.
  2. Go get them, but take a bucket because you dont’ want them puking in your new car and you just had it detailed.
  3. Wake your spouse and tell them it’s their turn for shit-detail.
  4. Tell them to get a cab.
• Your husband tells you he fancies the male next-door neighbour.  What is the appropriate response?
  1. “Holy Christ, are you fucking with me?”
  2. “Okay, but only if I can play too.”
  3. “That’s okay, I have my attorney on speed-dial.”
  4. “Sorry, he’s straight.  I know because I’ve been sleeping with him for 2 years.”
• Your dope-fiend boyfriend got high and won’t stop masturbating in front of your kids, despite your repeated pleas.
  1. Leave the house (with the kids)
  2. Leave the house (without the kids)
  3. Call the police and lock yourself in the basement until they arrive
  4. Stab him twice in the shoulder
• You are a US Senator accused of lewd behaviour in public.  Do you:
  1. Deny you are gay.
  2. Explain it was accidental foot bumpage under the stall dividers.
  3. Accuse the police of entrapment.
  4. All of the above.
• Your child has disappeared.  Do you:
  1. Call the police immediately.
  2. Sue the newspapers who say you might have killed him/her yourself.
  3. Hire a press agent.
  4. All of the above.

Actually.. nevermind… I don’t want to see 5th graders tackle those questions after all.  That’s why we’re the grown-ups.

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 I had no idea that Amazon.com sold so many ass products.  Not to mention other products for your shopping pleasure:

1. Anal Douche
2. Anal Eaze Cherry Flavor Desensitizing Numbing Gel  (Because not everyone likes the taste of ass, I suppose… And desensitizing?  Now I’m not all up on ass products and the uses thereof, but if someone was going to taste your ass, wouldn’t the whole point be so that you would feel it?  But I’m no expert.)
3. Ejaculoid 1 Bottle 60 Pills Semen/Orgasm Volumizer Like Ogoplex   Now maybe it’s just me… but I’ve never said to a partner… gee that was nice, I just wish there had been more juicy gush.  Besides, this sounds like something you’d get spam emails about.
4. Golden Girl Anal Jelly  Does this mean its endorsed by Bea Arthur?

There’s all kinds of other products… lubes and probes and vibrators, fuzzy handcuffs, suppliments and condiments… or were those condom-mints?

I’m not opposed to amazon having a ‘Sexual Health’ section, and it saves us from having to go to seedy websites to get such things (unless you happened to be there anyway, of course), or horror of horrors, actually walk into an adult store like… umm.. an adult.

What shocks me is that there is a whole side of amazon that I’d never seen before!  Here I’ve been just floating on the surface of books and dvd’s, blissfully unaware of the butt-plug underworld of the “Personal Care” section.  I somehow feel more street-wise, more savvy and sophisticated, like I now know some grown-up secret, or have the password to a speakeasy.

Enjoy!

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There are certain signs that in our society, even the criminals are watching too much TV.  I saw a special on the Crime and Investigation network the other day and they were talking about a real New Jersey mob family who was convinced The Sopranos was based on them, and began watching it religiously to see if someone was leaking information, or as they call it in the ‘industry’, squealing.

The latest evidence that someone has spent too much time watching Sherlock Holmes on A&E (although I do confess a certain affection for Jeremy Brett), is this news story:

LAKEWOOD, Colo. (AP) — Two men who allegedly tried to use rattlesnakes as deadly weapons to collect on a debt have been charged with conspiracy to commit murder, authorities said.

Read the full article here

Rattlesnakes?  I suppose the silver lining in this story of utter dumbassishness is to point out that perhaps the waiting times for gun purchases are, after all, having an effect. 

It also goes to show that although I support the concept of strict regulation on the sale of guns and ammunition, that you really can’t prevent people from trying to kill each other, and you certainly can’t legislate them out of being stupid. 

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