Well thanks everyone for being so patient as I’ve coped with the increasing weirdness in my life. And a big thanks to Girl-Fren for filling in when I couldn’t be here. (She’s not lying… she does have great legs.)

I’ve been on a safari of sorts, gathering information of use to my bitter friends, as it is my life’s quest to bring all shades of usefulness and enlightenment everywhere I go.

As I didn’t take video of the event (not allowed, oddly), I’ll have to walk you through it. Imagine, if you will, a bus station. Not a truly awful bus station, but a moderately awful bus station. (I would have said airport, but the people in airports are often busy and important, and that really won’t do for this illustration.) Now imagine that the other persons in the bus station are all either sick or injured. Carry forward with the thought that you, also, are either sick or injured. (Getting uncomfortable yet?) Now for the final image… you get to sleep with a randomly chosen 5 of these people (in an “unconscious in the same room” sense, not in a red-hot-monkey-sex sense) for an indeterminate period of time. The rest of them are housed down the hall.

Welcome to an NHS hospital.

The only thing more depressing than this thought, I would think, is working in said hospital, because then even on the occasions you get to go home, you always know you’re coming back the next day. Much, I imagine, like being a prison officer doing his 25 to life.

Now, I’ve undergone this undercover undertaking for the express purpose of bringing back an account to the rest of the world. I should write a travel guide full of tidbits like what to take with you (disenfectant spray and snacks), what to order from the daily menu (nothing with meat… trust me), and what to wear (seems to be anything goes… fuzzy slippers are the current trend, along with worn terry robes and a vacant expression).

I will say that while it sounds pretty horrid, the worst part is being sick, obviously. Otherwise I think it would be a feast of humanity (so to speak… I wouldn’t recommend actually eating said roommates, as we don’t know what’s wrong with all of them) with which there really is no comparision. Sure you can people-watch in an airport, but until you’ve actually had a sleepover with someone, you don’t know them at all.

I should also report that it’s reaffirmed the fact that I really do like people. I know, I know… I’m supposed to be all bitter, and sometimes I can be, but how can you not like people after meeting dear Mrs. Boyd, who tickled the bottom of my foot with her cane as she walked by, having only spoken a couple of words in passing before that. And Anne, a 60 year old with an exploding spleen (at least that’s what I gathered through eavesdropping on her doctors) who, after a girl in her 20’s was introduced, and then forcibly removed from our room whispered, “My goodness that was dreadful, wasn’t it? I would imagine it was drugs-taking.” Then she flicked some dust off her bathrobe.

Mrs Ames seemed relatively nonplussed about the whole thing. When the doctor said “The nurse says you’re a bit confused about where you are,” she replied, “Well isn’t that impertinent!” I thought so too. Of all the nerve.

One woman spent the entire time knitting. I’m not sure she even realised she was in a hospital, as she looked exactly as I imagine she would have at home. Except at home she probably has a cat that chases her yarn as her needles clack clack clack away.

Another inmate woke me in the night to give me instructions on what to tell people if someone came looking for her. Which was sorta sweet, considering that no one had come looking for her in all the time we shared a room.

Hope is a beautiful thing, and the capacity for it is why I love people.

Look for a follow-up documentary called “Naps on a Train” to be airing on the BBC in March.

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Most everyone in the US will have heard of the Fox program “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” and it seems we’re getting our own version in the UK called “Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old”

While I like the concept of the show: illustrating what morons most of us are and how we’ve lost touch with the basic knowledge we (possibly) learned in school by asking questions from 5th grade (and lower) textbooks about Social Studies, Science, Math, Geography, etc. :-??

However the truth is, when we become adults, not only do the questions change, but the entire format of questions in our lives change.  It’s no longer “What is the capitol of…” but “Why on earth did X do that and what am I supposed to do now?”

I’d like to see 5th graders tackle the questions real life throws at you…

• Your child calls you at 3 in the morning, drunk, when you thought they were asleep in their room.  What do you do?
  1. Go get them and tell them how much you love them.
  2. Go get them, but take a bucket because you dont’ want them puking in your new car and you just had it detailed.
  3. Wake your spouse and tell them it’s their turn for shit-detail.
  4. Tell them to get a cab.
• Your husband tells you he fancies the male next-door neighbour.  What is the appropriate response?
  1. “Holy Christ, are you fucking with me?”
  2. “Okay, but only if I can play too.”
  3. “That’s okay, I have my attorney on speed-dial.”
  4. “Sorry, he’s straight.  I know because I’ve been sleeping with him for 2 years.”
• Your dope-fiend boyfriend got high and won’t stop masturbating in front of your kids, despite your repeated pleas.
  1. Leave the house (with the kids)
  2. Leave the house (without the kids)
  3. Call the police and lock yourself in the basement until they arrive
  4. Stab him twice in the shoulder
• You are a US Senator accused of lewd behaviour in public.  Do you:
  1. Deny you are gay.
  2. Explain it was accidental foot bumpage under the stall dividers.
  3. Accuse the police of entrapment.
  4. All of the above.
• Your child has disappeared.  Do you:
  1. Call the police immediately.
  2. Sue the newspapers who say you might have killed him/her yourself.
  3. Hire a press agent.
  4. All of the above.

Actually.. nevermind… I don’t want to see 5th graders tackle those questions after all.  That’s why we’re the grown-ups.

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Today I have to study for my Britishness Test.  Which, erm, I take this afternoon.  I’m relying mostly on the fact that I like taking tests, but I suppose this isn’t going to be like the ‘How Emo Are You’ myspace poll quiz thingmy.

Therefore, there will be no bitter rants today. 

Okay except one.  I’d love for the current MP’s to take this damned test.  If they don’t score the requisite 75% pass rate, they should have their asses kicked out.  A lot of it isn’t that hard, but some is quite obnoxious. 

If you’re British (and without googling, please) tell me if you know the following:

1.  A Quarter of the population of UK are children and young people up to the age of 19 (T/F)

2.  When did Britain become part of European Economic Community? (Mulitple Choice: 1979, 1949, 1973, 1987)

3.  What is the ethnic minority population in England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland?

4.  What percentage of the British population is Christian?

5.  What percentage of the Christian population of Britain is Roman Catholic? (There are also questions on other religions and sects that are smiliar.)

These aren’t the most obnoxious ones… just the ones off the top of my head. 

I really don’t mind taking the test.  I think it’s a good idea and promotes Britishosity and all that jazz….

But I think they should only ask questions that, umm, British people would be able to answer easily.  If they can’t… either the British education system isn’t what it should be, or the test isn’t really what it purports to be.

/end rant
/begin study

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When visiting MAD KANE recently, I read this article about how Brits smell WORSE when they aren’t smoking.  Seriously.  She wrote a limerick about it that shouldn’t be missed.

Artificial scents are set to be pumped into British pubs to mask the smell of stale beer, sweat and other odours previously camouflaged by cigarette smoke, a newspaper reports.

Mitchells and Butlers, which runs about 2,000 pubs across Britain, is testing leather, freshly cut grass, and ocean breeze fragrances in its premises since a ban on smoking in enclosed public space began in England on July 1, The Sunday Times reports.

From: ABC

Am I the only one that finds this utterly repulsive?  Folks, go home and take a bath.  Bar owners, invest in some Domestos.  Or just some bleach for christ’s sake.

So the big plan is to cover up the smell.  Isn’t this just indicitive of everything that’s wrong with us?  When we have a blemish, we buy concealer, when we get a wrinkle, we buy some deminishing cream, when we get sweaty, we wear deoderant…. and on goes the list.

What is it about us that prevents us from tackling the SOURCE of all this, rather than just trying to pretend it isn’t happening (or at the very least preventing other people from knowing it’s happening)?  Oh yeah.. we’re freaking lazy.

Leather and mown grass indeed.

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With the US elections coming up in 18 months, and UK elections coming up whenever the Labour party thinks they can win them, it’s interesting to see what the voting public of our population entertains itself with.

In a rather amusing email a dear friend of mine sent me recently, he said: “I think the decrease in the average IQ of the voting public dropped considerably when several states in the south removed evolution from their text books and then again when survivor came out. The continuing dumbing down of America is as frustrating as trying to clean a child’s dirty face.” This kind of humour and insight is why I consider Herb one of my best friends, even though we no longer live in the same country and we have what I call a pot-kettle relationship.. but that’s another story.

Last night after returning home from an early dinner, I was flipping through my digital TV guide, and these shows were ALL on last night at 9 PM.

THE LITTLEST GROOM — Bravo Channel — Reality TV show which aims to find the perfect partner for vertically challenged salesman Glen Foster.

ROAD RAJA — SkyOne — Series in which six celebrities take part in a series of transport tasks in Mumbai. In this episode, the contestants attempt to master the rickshaw.

THE FARM — Channel Five — Reality show set on a farm. Our celebrities have settled into the farming life, but it’s much tougher than expected.

I’M FAMOUS AND FRIGHTENED 3 — Living TV — Live paranormal reality programme, in which a group of celebrities put the nerves to the test by spending the weekend in a haunted Dover castle.

WIFE SWAP — E4 — Award winning reality show in which wives swap their husbands, children, and homes for two weeks.

THE GREAT LOVE SWINDLE - E4 (This show followed wife swap, and came on at 10, rather than 9 like the rest of the programmes…. but it was just strange enough I thought it worth including) Four bachellors compete to win a holliday in Miami by getting a girl to say “I love you” in just 5 dates… but the girls are plants and in on the competition.

So, dear friend and readers, I’d like you to think about these programs, their rather broad definitions of both the words “entertainment” and “celebrity”, and then imagine the public at large watching, enjoying, and absorbing these programs…. and then going out and voting.

Herb… I’m sorry to say…it’s not just America that’s getting dumbed down.

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