First, I want you to know that I’m as romantic as the next girl while bearing in mind I also have a practical streak; I can appreciate doing the right thing for the wrong reason. When a couple-dozen of America’s young women are willing to compete ON TV for cash prizes, 15-minutes-of-Fame, and a marriage proposal from a total stranger, well, I get choked up. It’s the American Way! 

[Note: having burned my bra in the day and learned to be proud of who I AM, such as it is, as opposed to piggy-backing my worth based on my hubby’s accomplishments, I’ve long since developed a sour taste for those whose human development isn’t as it might be with a little effort.]

What I’m saying is, does it surprise you that a beauty queen wannabe, a Cheerleader–ferchristsake–for a pro-football team, would join the ranks of those competing for the glass slipper….er….ring and proposal from The Bachelor.

The Bachelor is an original one hour prime-time reality television series that gives one man and 25 women the unique opportunity to find true love in a most exciting and adventurous way. The Bachelor will get to know the 25 women in a series of fun, exciting and exotic dates that will elicit real and raw emotions. Along the way he must follow a gradual process of elimination, as his…

Now, for the happily ever after part.  You’re gonna love this.  Mary Delgado, winner of The Bachelor proposal in 2004, was arrested two days after Thanksgiving for punching out the man she lives with, whom she describes as her fiance (after living with him for three years.)  The reason for the assault wasn’t given, nor her fiance’s name–however, it WAS NOT The Bachelor who proposed to her in ‘04.  She was released from the pokey a short while later.  Ah, romance.

I don’t know about you, but I like my fairy tales with happier endings–after all, the original Cinderella was a mistreated, hard-working stepchild for whom all ended well. Even if you prefer Liberation Literature, it’s plainly not nice to punch a guy’s lights out, spend time in the slammer for it, then expect to ride away in a mouse-drawn pumpkin.  But that’s just me; I could be wrong.

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Although we’re technically Blogging for Bitter Women, this one is for the guys.

Quick Tip #3: There is NO Bank

Women might indicate otherwise, for motives I wouldn’t care to speculate on, but when it comes to earning “points” with the woman in your life, there is no bank.  The credit you earn now is the credit you have.   You can’t point back to a good thing you did a week ago and say “But hey I did the dishes without being asked last week.”  It don’t work that way.

Now some might consider this cruel, but it’s not… it’s just simply the way it is, and the sooner you understand the truth of the Chick Point System, the sooner you will be able to achieve the happy status of understanding you so desire.

Let me give you an example:

1. Monday:  Buy flowers for her.  + 10 points
2. Tuesday: Do dishes without being asked +5 points (Assuming this is a point of contention or something you don’t normally do.) Note: This gets fewer points than flowers because you dont’ have to leave the house or spend money to do it.
3. Wednesday: Give her fantastic, thoughful, multi-orgasmic sex. +10 points. (Although you don’t have to leave the house or spend money for this one… hey.. it’s good orgasms.  Shut up.)
4. Thursday: Remember to put gas/diesel in the car on the way home, knowing that she’s going to be using the car first thing in the morning and won’t want to have to stop.  +15 points.

Now.. the quiz… On Friday morning, how many points does he have?

The novice would look at that and say, “Easy… 40 points!”  Oh, you poor, dear soul.  

The correct answer: 0 points.

Don’t cry to me about it.  You should thank me for explaining this.  You got credits for what you did on Monday-Thursday, no doubt, but just remember.. there is no bank.

Remember this, and your life will get easier.  Promise.

(My apologies, by the way, for all the contextual Google  “Get Cheap Credit” ads that are undoubtedly going to be appearing for this one!)

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Continuing my tradition of giving little tidbits of advice that might help our Dear Bitter Readers….

Quick Tip #2: Cat Fights

If, at 4 in the morning, you hear the ungodly noises of cats fighting outside your window, do NOT under any circumstances climb out the window to run them off, even if your bedroom windows, like mine, appear easy to climb out of being reasonably large and low to the ground.

1. It’s likely that in the dark and your sleep-hazed frame of mind, you could step on dog shit and/or the dead bird left for you by the member of your household involved in said cat fight.
2. Said cat, being in a hissy state, might not feel endebted or even slightly grateful to be picked up and hauled toward the window.
3. Finding oneself outside a locked house, in one’s jammies, at 4 in the morning, holding a hissy cat, one might find it much harder to climb INTO the window than it was to climb OUT.

Nobody said gaining life experience was always what we expected it would be. It was a very very very long night last night.

The Culprit

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Peety over at peety-passion.com posted a very intelligent article on the practice of plural relationships. But what I’m thinking is… relationships are hard work. If you’re good at them, it takes a lot of effort to stay in touch with your partner’s physical/emotional/spiritual well-being and make it a priority.

If you’re bad at relationships, with more than one person to deal with, you’d be up a serious shit-creek without the proverbial paddle.

I think this is the real reason that Mormons called it off. Of course, there’s also the fact that most Christian sects don’t particularly encourage sex, so the idea of having lots and lots of sex gives them terminal heebie-jeebies. If you’re a Christian and you have lots of sex, don’t write and yell at me about this statement. But on a side note: good for you.

I don’t really mind if people want to have plural marriages. When you’re young and sexy, I think it has a certain appeal. But when you get older, wiser, and more bitter, the only advantage would seem to be having a second wife to do the dishes while you finish blogging.

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Most everyone in the US will have heard of the Fox program “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” and it seems we’re getting our own version in the UK called “Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old”

While I like the concept of the show: illustrating what morons most of us are and how we’ve lost touch with the basic knowledge we (possibly) learned in school by asking questions from 5th grade (and lower) textbooks about Social Studies, Science, Math, Geography, etc.

However the truth is, when we become adults, not only do the questions change, but the entire format of questions in our lives change.  It’s no longer “What is the capitol of…” but “Why on earth did X do that and what am I supposed to do now?”

I’d like to see 5th graders tackle the questions real life throws at you…

• Your child calls you at 3 in the morning, drunk, when you thought they were asleep in their room.  What do you do?
  1. Go get them and tell them how much you love them.
  2. Go get them, but take a bucket because you dont’ want them puking in your new car and you just had it detailed.
  3. Wake your spouse and tell them it’s their turn for shit-detail.
  4. Tell them to get a cab.
• Your husband tells you he fancies the male next-door neighbour.  What is the appropriate response?
  1. “Holy Christ, are you fucking with me?”
  2. “Okay, but only if I can play too.”
  3. “That’s okay, I have my attorney on speed-dial.”
  4. “Sorry, he’s straight.  I know because I’ve been sleeping with him for 2 years.”
• Your dope-fiend boyfriend got high and won’t stop masturbating in front of your kids, despite your repeated pleas.
  1. Leave the house (with the kids)
  2. Leave the house (without the kids)
  3. Call the police and lock yourself in the basement until they arrive
  4. Stab him twice in the shoulder
• You are a US Senator accused of lewd behaviour in public.  Do you:
  1. Deny you are gay.
  2. Explain it was accidental foot bumpage under the stall dividers.
  3. Accuse the police of entrapment.
  4. All of the above.
• Your child has disappeared.  Do you:
  1. Call the police immediately.
  2. Sue the newspapers who say you might have killed him/her yourself.
  3. Hire a press agent.
  4. All of the above.

Actually.. nevermind… I don’t want to see 5th graders tackle those questions after all.  That’s why we’re the grown-ups.

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