Most everyone in the US will have heard of the Fox program “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” and it seems we’re getting our own version in the UK called “Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old”

While I like the concept of the show: illustrating what morons most of us are and how we’ve lost touch with the basic knowledge we (possibly) learned in school by asking questions from 5th grade (and lower) textbooks about Social Studies, Science, Math, Geography, etc. :-??

However the truth is, when we become adults, not only do the questions change, but the entire format of questions in our lives change.  It’s no longer “What is the capitol of…” but “Why on earth did X do that and what am I supposed to do now?”

I’d like to see 5th graders tackle the questions real life throws at you…

• Your child calls you at 3 in the morning, drunk, when you thought they were asleep in their room.  What do you do?
  1. Go get them and tell them how much you love them.
  2. Go get them, but take a bucket because you dont’ want them puking in your new car and you just had it detailed.
  3. Wake your spouse and tell them it’s their turn for shit-detail.
  4. Tell them to get a cab.
• Your husband tells you he fancies the male next-door neighbour.  What is the appropriate response?
  1. “Holy Christ, are you fucking with me?”
  2. “Okay, but only if I can play too.”
  3. “That’s okay, I have my attorney on speed-dial.”
  4. “Sorry, he’s straight.  I know because I’ve been sleeping with him for 2 years.”
• Your dope-fiend boyfriend got high and won’t stop masturbating in front of your kids, despite your repeated pleas.
  1. Leave the house (with the kids)
  2. Leave the house (without the kids)
  3. Call the police and lock yourself in the basement until they arrive
  4. Stab him twice in the shoulder
• You are a US Senator accused of lewd behaviour in public.  Do you:
  1. Deny you are gay.
  2. Explain it was accidental foot bumpage under the stall dividers.
  3. Accuse the police of entrapment.
  4. All of the above.
• Your child has disappeared.  Do you:
  1. Call the police immediately.
  2. Sue the newspapers who say you might have killed him/her yourself.
  3. Hire a press agent.
  4. All of the above.

Actually.. nevermind… I don’t want to see 5th graders tackle those questions after all.  That’s why we’re the grown-ups.

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I think I’ve had a religious experience. Yes. No shit. Lecturing a fresh batch of Freshmen the other day–I was once again challenged about my syllabus’ prohibition of using religious texts in support of a point of argument in an academic paper.

I think I’ve had a mini-stroke, or something, because I couldn’t remember how I did it last time.  (I really want to say, “Oh, shut the f**k up.”)  Instead–new day–new student–I’m the grownup here, I quiet my inner teenager.

So, I poll the class, arm extended imploringly, palm open and upward. Well, it was after lunch. All their blood drained away from the brain, digesting all those McLunches, only a few earnest kids raised in southern Sunday Schools ventured replies. One of them–an open-faced, sweet-appearing, chubby farm-girl-looking-person toward the back table says, “…whut….’cuz we’re, like, different, like, ‘n ever’buddy thanks they’re right…like…y’know.”

“Excellent point,” I aver, enthusiastically.  I’m losing them, though, and I know it; glazed eyes look back at me.

“If you don’t mind a little personal information, I’ll tell you that I have found inner peace and life’s purposes since coming to know the teachings of the Dalai Mamma.”

A few sat up straighter; two exchanged looks, eyebrows raised. The buggers were–praise Christ–paying attention. But then, so was I! I was winging it…it was working…I leaned toward the fat-farm-gal-looking student, confiding, “I’ve seen her. The Dalai Mamma sits on a throne–like in Sunday School cartoons–but she’s dressed in red–satin–a long, well-fitted gown with a slit up the front so that when she leans forward to, er, do her God things, one can see her legs.  She wears red patent-leather pumps with three inch heels. The most amazing thing about the Dalai Mamma” — you can tell I was grooving — into it — I was seeing what I was describing — “She Has Wings.”

They were waiting for a punch line.  I didn’t have one. This was one of those things that people who refer to themselves as Educators call a Teachable Moment and I was NOT going to fuck it up.  I went on.

“In the teachings of the Dalai Mamma–(an aside) and I personally believe they’re inspired–she lays out the pathway to enlightenment with such crystalline clarity–I’m just sure we would all prosper by following them. I surely have.”  A few were grinning. A few looked puzzled. The fat-farm-girl looked pissed. The moving about in their chairs and talking started.  They got it.

Thing is, so did I.  I’d had some kind of revelation and in it the Dalai Mamma came to me and saved my bacon.

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 I had no idea that Amazon.com sold so many ass products.  Not to mention other products for your shopping pleasure:

1. Anal Douche
2. Anal Eaze Cherry Flavor Desensitizing Numbing Gel  (Because not everyone likes the taste of ass, I suppose… And desensitizing?  Now I’m not all up on ass products and the uses thereof, but if someone was going to taste your ass, wouldn’t the whole point be so that you would feel it?  But I’m no expert.)
3. Ejaculoid 1 Bottle 60 Pills Semen/Orgasm Volumizer Like Ogoplex   Now maybe it’s just me… but I’ve never said to a partner… gee that was nice, I just wish there had been more juicy gush.  Besides, this sounds like something you’d get spam emails about.
4. Golden Girl Anal Jelly  Does this mean its endorsed by Bea Arthur?

There’s all kinds of other products… lubes and probes and vibrators, fuzzy handcuffs, suppliments and condiments… or were those condom-mints?

I’m not opposed to amazon having a ‘Sexual Health’ section, and it saves us from having to go to seedy websites to get such things (unless you happened to be there anyway, of course), or horror of horrors, actually walk into an adult store like… umm.. an adult.

What shocks me is that there is a whole side of amazon that I’d never seen before!  Here I’ve been just floating on the surface of books and dvd’s, blissfully unaware of the butt-plug underworld of the “Personal Care” section.  I somehow feel more street-wise, more savvy and sophisticated, like I now know some grown-up secret, or have the password to a speakeasy.

Enjoy!

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Mercy me! While pondering the situation recently posited for our Bitter Readers, I decided to drop in on Bubbaworld - who seems to be a fellow keeping track of some of the stranger goin’s-on in Oklahoma. That could turn into a full-time job.

Bubba reminded me of “The Case of the Masturbating Judge.”  It seems that Creek County (OK) District Judge Donald Thompson used to, er, entertain himself whilst trials were being held before his bench.

“The Case of the Masturbating Judge takes Oklahoma’s Law and Order reputation to new levels, unfortunately very low levels. Creek County District Judge Donald Thompson “retired” while facing proceedings to oust him from the bench on allegations of using a “penis pump” to masturbate during both jury and non-jury trials, including those for first degree murder.  Thompson now stands a convicted felon following a jury trial in which he was found guilty of four counts of indecent exposure, sentenced to four years in prison, fined $40,000 and required to register as a sex offender.”

Ah, yes, that should be sweet enough, BWs; but, there’s more.

Before the matter came to trial, Thompson sent a letter of resignation to Gov. Brad Henry, which–if accepted–would allow him to retire with a full pension. Somewhere, sanity prevailed and the pension was revoked. Naturally, time on his hands (sorry), the incarcerated Thompson appealed the decision. (Lord knows that a man of his age, what with being a convicted sex offender–thus unemployable–needs the income.) According to THE TULSA WORLD (March 7, 2007):

“A hearing to determine whether to reinstate the state retirement benefits of former Creek County District Judge Donald D. Thompson has been continued indefinitely. “

Wahoo! Applause for the good guys.  Once again on June 21, 2007, THE TULSA WORLD reports:

“The Oklahoma Pardon and Parole Board on Wednesday unanimously voted not to grant former Creek County District Judge Donald D. Thompson parole.”

Sweet Jesus–sweet Justice…..

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Before I get into talking about Jury Duty, I want to say that HA, I am SO vindicated.  Remember how I wasn’t feeling humorous the other day and was a bit down about it.  Well… ha!  Yesterday I had a fever and even got to hallucinate!  Hot Damn!  This means it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t funny, although I am not planning to go to the doctor because as soon as she asks me the symptoms, I’d have to mention the temporary demise of my sense of humor, and since she doesn’t necessarily have one (seen no evidence yet) then it might make the visit a lot longer than I wanted.  But vindication is sweet, man.

Right, so the point.  Jury Duty.  One of my dearest friends has it, and I’m dead jealous.  I could have thwapped her for going on and on about how she wanted to get out of it.  Are you kidding me?

If I could be a professional juror I would.  That be SO cool.  I’d sit and take copious notes, and feel the warm rush of power coursing through me as I decided the fate of a probably guilty idiot who was too dumb not to get caught doing whatever it was they were doing.  GUILTY!  GUILTY!

Besides, you really want some gomer getting picked for jury duty?  Well that’s exactly who gets it if we don’t show up, and we, Bitter Readers, are probably more qualified than anyone because of our obvious intelligence and superiour sense of humour!  Not that Jury Duty is funny… gno wei.  It’s serious business!  GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY, Dammit!

Sigh… I wonder why they never pick me?  Maybe now that I’m applying for British citizenship, this whole new country will give me a chance to show them what a true asset I could be to their criminal justice system.  I can’t freaking wait!

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