A guy named Mitch Altman invented  the gadget of our dreams that he calls “TV-B-Gone” — countless frequent travelers before him have surely wished for a way to turn off all those obnoxious TVs yammering away at us in bars, lounges, and waiting rooms.

            Remember sitting on a sticky plastic couch, near death’s door, eyes running, head throbbing, chest aching—in the doctor’s waiting room only to be assailed by “The Jerry Springer Show” featuring two fat women from Arkansas or Tennessee pulling each other’s hair, whilst revealing a bit of butt-crack during the fracas, arguing over who done whom wrong with whose “man?”

           Or, you’ve nicely handled the news that still another flight had to be cancelled due to whatever, decide to console yourself with a small drink and nice meal, only to view–in living color–an autopsey on one of America’s proliferation of CSI shows. (How they can scheduled them to fit the dinner hour is uncanny.)

           Well, it had to happen! Mitch had all he could stand, marched right out to the garage, down to the basement or the workshop and whips out a “TV-B-Gone.”

           Manufactured by Cornfield Industries and available through Amazon.com and your nearby Target store.

           Life just doesn’t get better than this (unless, of course, all masters of all Jerry Springer-like shows vanished into the ether….as though someone had invented, say, the “Garbage-B-Gone.”)  Imagine how much fun it would be at home – if you happen to be married to a Remote-Hog–even if you can’t change the channel with it, you can turn it off.  Failing that, just buy yourself a universal remote, program it and keep it behind that little pink cushion you use behind your behind. He’ll never find it there.  Cheers, girl friends.

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From my last article where I mentioned control freaks, I found there was at least one person who disagreed that such a concept was bad. Then I ran across this, and just had to share it with you.

I can’t decide if it’s funnier that this is listed on a site for Valentine Gift Ideas , or that it was actually my husband that showed it to me.  Oh and if you’re serious about wanting one, it IS a British site, but I checked.. they will ship to the US. 

The buttons are a tad hard to read.  According to their site, they say things like:

• Listen,
• Stop Snoring
• Talk about Feelings
• Tell the Truth
• Propose

Personally, I’d like one that was a tad more universal, because if I was going to get to push buttons that would make people do things, I wouldn’t limit it to men, and I’d want to say things like:

• Shut up
• Ummm, shut up
• But mostly: shut up.

If I could control just those three things about people, I’d be in heaven.

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Being a women, I feel qualified to tell people “what women really want”.  And when I say ‘people’, I mean men, being the only non-women people there are, and women don’t need to be told what other women want, because we already know… its in the handbook.

My birthday is coming up next month, and my husband has been telling me to put some stuff on my wish list, because he’s given up on guessing what I want.  (Good for him, by the way.)

But what I really really want isn’t something I can put on my wish list, because I don’t even know if it’s possible to get one of these anymore….

If you don’t know who MacGuyver is, I really don’t know how to talk to you.

My favourite sister-in-law (heck one of my favourite people) we call “Susan-Fucking-MacGuyver”.  She’s got one of everything in this Mary Poppins bag of hers, and I have no doubt that she could escape from anywhere without much todo, because she’s the only woman I know who carries duct tape with her.  I’m not making this up.

Tease her as I might, I’m secretly jealous.  She’s prepared for everything.  But, I don’t have a Mary Poppins bag.  My poor little purse is miniscule in proportion, but lo and behold I find out there’s this MacGuyver Tool Kit available.  This is SO what I want.

If I had this tool kit, I could do anything.  I could be fearless.  Hell it would be the next best thing to being a pirate.  I have never in my life done anything remotely like swashbuckling, but I think if I had this toolkit, I might.

This post was inspired in part by TheWishfulWriter.  The dream, however, is entirely mine.

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