Well, the citizenship ceremony was a barrel of laughs. You might think I’m being sarcastic, but I’m really not. There were three other people other than my son and myself who were there to take part (plus a couple of visitors), two from Zimbabwe, bless them, and one from Brazil. Some of the funniest, not to mention goofiest, people I’ve met, and the woman running the ceremony just gave up on making it a solemn occasion, because nobody there was feeling particularly solemn. A good day out, overall.

Plus… I got a plate!

If you can’t read the inscription, it says “Presented by the Perth and Kinross Council on attaining British Citizenship”.  My son was disappointed he didn’t get a plate too, and the woman running the ceremony looked slightly concerned at his disappointment.  I told her not to worry, because he’d just put chips and cookies on it anyway.

And as hubby was driving us home, I examined the silver plate plate and pondered the inscription, thinking what a nice gesture it was, and I flipped it over … on the back it said… “Made in China”.   I guess the Scots are known for many wonderful things, but mass producing cheap commemorative knick-knacks isn’t one of them.

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Well, today is the big day. If you recall, back in August I took the British citizenship exam . Passed, of course, and today is the day I get to raise my right hand and swear my loyalty to queen and country or some such. I suppose it would be a good idea if I read the sweary bits before I go in, just in case I’m signing over my house or something.

I do recall however, that it starts out something like:

I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare…

Really really truly truly I mean it I promise.

This is the option for people who, like myself, don’t feel comfortable with the “oath” version, in which you say something like:

I swear by Almighty God

So, you don’t have to bring the big guy into it… if you really really truly mean it.

Won’t be back this afternoon, because I’m planning to spend the afternoon finding out how to join the Scottish National Party… As soon as I really really truly swear my allegiance, I’m gonna hop on that Scottish separatist bandwagon and hoist the Saltire outside my house. We Scots have always been rebellious, and I have some catching up to do.

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Most everyone in the US will have heard of the Fox program “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” and it seems we’re getting our own version in the UK called “Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old”

While I like the concept of the show: illustrating what morons most of us are and how we’ve lost touch with the basic knowledge we (possibly) learned in school by asking questions from 5th grade (and lower) textbooks about Social Studies, Science, Math, Geography, etc. :-??

However the truth is, when we become adults, not only do the questions change, but the entire format of questions in our lives change.  It’s no longer “What is the capitol of…” but “Why on earth did X do that and what am I supposed to do now?”

I’d like to see 5th graders tackle the questions real life throws at you…

• Your child calls you at 3 in the morning, drunk, when you thought they were asleep in their room.  What do you do?
  1. Go get them and tell them how much you love them.
  2. Go get them, but take a bucket because you dont’ want them puking in your new car and you just had it detailed.
  3. Wake your spouse and tell them it’s their turn for shit-detail.
  4. Tell them to get a cab.
• Your husband tells you he fancies the male next-door neighbour.  What is the appropriate response?
  1. “Holy Christ, are you fucking with me?”
  2. “Okay, but only if I can play too.”
  3. “That’s okay, I have my attorney on speed-dial.”
  4. “Sorry, he’s straight.  I know because I’ve been sleeping with him for 2 years.”
• Your dope-fiend boyfriend got high and won’t stop masturbating in front of your kids, despite your repeated pleas.
  1. Leave the house (with the kids)
  2. Leave the house (without the kids)
  3. Call the police and lock yourself in the basement until they arrive
  4. Stab him twice in the shoulder
• You are a US Senator accused of lewd behaviour in public.  Do you:
  1. Deny you are gay.
  2. Explain it was accidental foot bumpage under the stall dividers.
  3. Accuse the police of entrapment.
  4. All of the above.
• Your child has disappeared.  Do you:
  1. Call the police immediately.
  2. Sue the newspapers who say you might have killed him/her yourself.
  3. Hire a press agent.
  4. All of the above.

Actually.. nevermind… I don’t want to see 5th graders tackle those questions after all.  That’s why we’re the grown-ups.

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Before I get into talking about Jury Duty, I want to say that HA, I am SO vindicated.  Remember how I wasn’t feeling humorous the other day and was a bit down about it.  Well… ha!  Yesterday I had a fever and even got to hallucinate!  Hot Damn!  This means it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t funny, although I am not planning to go to the doctor because as soon as she asks me the symptoms, I’d have to mention the temporary demise of my sense of humor, and since she doesn’t necessarily have one (seen no evidence yet) then it might make the visit a lot longer than I wanted.  But vindication is sweet, man.

Right, so the point.  Jury Duty.  One of my dearest friends has it, and I’m dead jealous.  I could have thwapped her for going on and on about how she wanted to get out of it.  Are you kidding me?

If I could be a professional juror I would.  That be SO cool.  I’d sit and take copious notes, and feel the warm rush of power coursing through me as I decided the fate of a probably guilty idiot who was too dumb not to get caught doing whatever it was they were doing.  GUILTY!  GUILTY!

Besides, you really want some gomer getting picked for jury duty?  Well that’s exactly who gets it if we don’t show up, and we, Bitter Readers, are probably more qualified than anyone because of our obvious intelligence and superiour sense of humour!  Not that Jury Duty is funny… gno wei.  It’s serious business!  GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY, Dammit!

Sigh… I wonder why they never pick me?  Maybe now that I’m applying for British citizenship, this whole new country will give me a chance to show them what a true asset I could be to their criminal justice system.  I can’t freaking wait!

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There are certain signs that in our society, even the criminals are watching too much TV.  I saw a special on the Crime and Investigation network the other day and they were talking about a real New Jersey mob family who was convinced The Sopranos was based on them, and began watching it religiously to see if someone was leaking information, or as they call it in the ‘industry’, squealing.

The latest evidence that someone has spent too much time watching Sherlock Holmes on A&E (although I do confess a certain affection for Jeremy Brett), is this news story:

LAKEWOOD, Colo. (AP) — Two men who allegedly tried to use rattlesnakes as deadly weapons to collect on a debt have been charged with conspiracy to commit murder, authorities said.

Read the full article here

Rattlesnakes?  I suppose the silver lining in this story of utter dumbassishness is to point out that perhaps the waiting times for gun purchases are, after all, having an effect. 

It also goes to show that although I support the concept of strict regulation on the sale of guns and ammunition, that you really can’t prevent people from trying to kill each other, and you certainly can’t legislate them out of being stupid. 

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