Being in a weird mood, as I often am, and perusing my stats, which I often do, I came up with an idea for a little game. I decided to write a poem using ONLY words in my webstats under “keywords used on search engines”. There were 95 words, and I used all of them. used each one only once, and did not add any words. Think of it as Webstat Refrigerator Poetry.

It sounded like hysterical fun, and then once I started, it was much harder than I thought! When I got down to having 12 words left, I got rather desperate.

So… I challenge you to try it! Let me know your results, and if you post them on your blog I’ll add a link here.

BTW, it will become evident to you in a moment that I’m not a poet.

why phone? … i want space

women do plural duty like cards
things picked before would die
if not dr. moller, than who?
poems make my blindness smarter
dont!

you spanked while in me vista
what a very flubby fat ass
does gel stop the will
cramp with masturbating in school
yahoo!

i can read while waiting
to take jeremy brett sunday
flying to florida for paul
address who in tulsa oklahoma?
bingo!

ten bitter questions become 100
about masterbation, smoking, blogging, of layouts
blogs are cartoons and blogger be messenger
blogspot is id, jury, meme, wordpress hosts
…clipart available!

Okay it sucks a little, but it was fun to try! Now you try!

• Hex My Ex: An Ode To Keywords

Like This? Then Show Some Love:

Well as many of you pointed out to me when I was ranting about blogs I won’t read (Or was it when I was ranting about non-funny humor blogs… can’t recall… coulda been either), we can’t always be funny.  And I seriously have to choke back the urge so often to post about the truly geeky things that I discover about blogging, Wordpress, SEO, advertising, PPP, or whatever.  But I know that’s not why you’re here. 

But I cannot exorcize the geek in me anymore than I can the bitch you have all come to know and love (or spell-check in the case of one recent comment writer).  So, in order to satisfy the demons of tech that rage within, I’ve started another blog to post about that.  I think my *second* post there will be about blog addiction. 

I’d love for you to all check it out, and I promise you that my Bitter Audience is my primary concern, and I won’t neglect you!  I love you guys!  (Especially YOU.  I’d say “you know who you are, but in truth I’m stalking you, so if you know who you are, I suck.)

My geekiness in full glory with my very first post about blogrolls: About Blogging

Like This? Then Show Some Love:

I nearly didn’t blog today because nothing was funny to me.  Seriously.  Nothing.  I could hear a perfectly good joke and just not laugh.  I can’t explain it.  I’m not crabby especially, or tired.  I don’t have a cold.  I had a relatively productive day.  Our boy won his game at the US Open. I now have 7 fans at StumbleUpon.  I even got to annoy a bitch that really drives me up a wall.  Plus, I got Bitter Women added to humor-blogs.com.  Not that it’s particularly hard to get in there… but it was just a little happy thing to see that it had gotten approved.

And… I’m sick of reading ‘humor’ blogs that aren’t funny.  But as soon as I realised this, I started putting all kinds of funny pressure on myself (Okay that sounded dirty, and it made me smile, so maybe today isn’t lost.)

I think I might write a short article of rules on writing humor blogs.  Like… if you don’t smile at least once while making each entry, you shouldn’t post it. (See how neatly I skated around that one with the above paragraph?)

So, since I’m worried that I’m not as funny as I think I should be in order to justify writing today, I’ll just post this picture that my mom stole from somewhere and sent me, and it made me make truly unladylike noises when I saw it.

I’ll try harder tomorrow.  Promise. 

Like This? Then Show Some Love:

I’ve never gotten nominated for any blogging awards, but I think I see a serious gap in the Blog Award market.  You know… REAL awards…. awards for the things you actually think when you read a blog.

When I read a blog, I don’t think “that’s the best humor blog” or “she’s a hot mommy-blogger”, I think, “Holy Crap, your life sucks”.

Which is why I came up with this:

I’ll put them in the ‘Awards’ page of the blog.  Feel free to award this to anyone you like!  Ha!  I’ll even put a link to their site on the Bitter Women Awards Page.

More to come! 

Like This? Then Show Some Love:

I’ve been reading guides on blogs, blogging, and how to get more traffic to your blog.   After all, no one wants to write and write and write if no one is reading it.  Right?

Here are some helpful hints for my bitter fans:

What They Won’t Tell You In Guides For Bloggers

1.  Most Guides About Getting Traffic Are Written To Get More Traffic For The Author.  While in general it’s understandable, you have to keep in mind that they don’t necessarily know what they’re talking about.

2.  Most Guides Are On Sites I Wouldn’t Go Back To.  Seriously.  Before you start reorganising based on someone else’s advice, you might want to see if their site is all that. (Shut up.  I know no one uses that expression anymore.)

3.  Most of These People are Relentless Ass-kissers.  I have no idea why, but they don’t seem to tell you what doesn’t work… only how great such-and-such a service is.  My guess is that they use that service and are hoping that if they can get more people to sign up, it’ll boost their traffic.  See a trend?

I haven’t been doing this all that long, but I do watch my stats to see what works and what doesn’t, and I’ll share with you the little tidbits I’ve found:

1.  Not all blogger networks are worth your time.  If you’re going to clutter up your sidebar with tacky widgets for them (hey I do it too), don’t waste the space on ones that don’t work.  I found that Blogcatalog.com, MyBlogLog.com, and to a lesser extent TheGoodBlogs.com all are decent.  I wouldn’t bother with Blogorama.  I’ve tried about 10-15 different ones, and those were the only ones that brought me more than a couple clicks.    (Oh, and avoid “Others Online”.  I dunno if they work or not, but they make you install a toolbar in your browser.  It made my browser SO slow, and I found it difficult to turn off.   I have a word for that: spyware.)

2.  Put a widget on your posts to allow people to Digg, StumbleUpon, etc your posts.  Yesterday someone put one of my posts on SU, and I got 400 new visitors just from that.  I was so encouraged by that, that I’ve started trying to build up my Stumble Upon network.  You can find me at http://jaynemc.stumbleupon.com/  Feel free to add me as a friend.  If you do, I’ll visit your blog, and if I like it, I’ll Stumble it.  If you’re funny enough to like Bitter Women, no doubt I’ll like your blog too.   SU does require a toolbar, but it doesn’t seem to slow down my browser or cause any problems at all. 

3.  Sponsored Listings: Not worth it!  I put in a bid to be a $15/month sponsor of the ‘Humor’ category on BlogCatalog.com.  I thought that surely hundreds if not thousands of people would come rushing in.  It did NOT work.  In four days of having it up, I’ve gotten only a small handful of people that found me that way. I wish I’d saved the money and bought myself a Boston Cream Pie or five.

4.  Most people so far  have found me through me leaving comments elsewhere.  Yeah, looks like the old-fashioned way of making friends is still the best.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing though.  I’ve found some awesome-funny blogs out there. 

Let me know if you have helpful hints!  We can help each other a lot better than these so-called “experts” methinks!

Like This? Then Show Some Love: