A book is a mirror:

if an ape looks into it

an apostle is hardly likely to look out.

–George Christoph Lichtenberg

BITTER WOMEN:     on Men

Mamma and my aunt sit chatting in the kitchen

–a stick of furniture, I am invisible and mute–

they discuss my prospects for success with men

and how, subsequently, to make something of my life

Outside the window, sweetpeas

curl up the strings in the garden. Up to my elbows

in soapsuds and hot water,

I watch Uncle Junior’s dog, Duke, lay down in the cool,

right on the roots of the Sweetpea vines.

I face–at last–my nature as being, well, unsuitable for wedded bliss.

Its because I don’t like dogs.

Duke lies around all day, unaware that he sprawls

in a precious spot and may uproot the vines;

he won’t come when he’s called or in the same room,

but can hear from a half-block away food stirred up in the kitchen.

He dumps the garbage bin, playfully rolls in it, reeks of it

then looks dumb and adorable at the same time.

When I want to be alone, Duke wants to play.

When I want to sleep, Duke wants to play.

He drinks from the toilet, then growls when I

shoo him off a lovely chintz chair.

Duke will sit in the road or the middle of the living room,

do grisly things with his mouth, then

try to give me a kiss.

Dogs are tiny little suitors in fur coats.

All legal rights reserved. Copyright 2004.

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No kidding, Googling for “Bitter Women,” I found this guy–clearly satirical, sure, and this guy has a true knack for words.  A knack for twisting ‘em to make his attitude bad judgment and poor choices sound like the fault of the one judged and chosen. Listen to this.

Hi there,  I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disasterous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.My name is Miguel , I live in Edinburgh , I’m 25 years old, Fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that - I’m generally caring and very honest. I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!You should:* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanising sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Miguel x

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

Miguel. Miguel. You poor guy.  Be glad to help you out with that forehead thing. Hmmm. It says “dq wap.”  Oh, sorry. Yeah.  It means Drama Queen with a penis.

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…this all began with a poetry collection–this Bitter Women thing–I was just tired of being PC about guys. Oh, I may as well add that I’m tired of PC altogether.  Yes–now, keep up–I did say “poetry collection.”  I had received some really funny spam from someone, poking fun at the hilarious differences between men and women. I started collecting them.

At the time I was writing poetry each day and (because of mind-block) began my first “Poem for Bitter Women.” I actually read it at an academic poetry reading (no less) and people who ordinarily have nothing to say about the presentations–after all, who ever asks, “How did you know that spondee would have such dramatic effect?”–came around after, laughing, and talked about their funny gender foibles. It has grown into a small collection; one day, it will be large enough to publish.  If you’re very good, I will share one with you.

So, there you are. One must neither be bitter nor a woman to post, enjoy, regale us with  your experiences, rants or advice.

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Well, we’re not always bitter, actually, but we are always women, so at least we’re right 50% of the time.  Welcome to our blog, where we’ll chat about this and that… what bugs us and what makes us laugh….

 One of my favourite things to do is post some of the more absurd things I see on the web.  Without the ability to laugh at absurdity, I really believe we would miss out on responding to most of what happens in this life.

 – Jayne

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