Before I get into talking about Jury Duty, I want to say that HA, I am SO vindicated.  Remember how I wasn’t feeling humorous the other day and was a bit down about it.  Well… ha!  Yesterday I had a fever and even got to hallucinate!  Hot Damn!  This means it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t funny, although I am not planning to go to the doctor because as soon as she asks me the symptoms, I’d have to mention the temporary demise of my sense of humor, and since she doesn’t necessarily have one (seen no evidence yet) then it might make the visit a lot longer than I wanted.  But vindication is sweet, man.

Right, so the point.  Jury Duty.  One of my dearest friends has it, and I’m dead jealous.  I could have thwapped her for going on and on about how she wanted to get out of it.  Are you kidding me?

If I could be a professional juror I would.  That be SO cool.  I’d sit and take copious notes, and feel the warm rush of power coursing through me as I decided the fate of a probably guilty idiot who was too dumb not to get caught doing whatever it was they were doing.  GUILTY!  GUILTY!

Besides, you really want some gomer getting picked for jury duty?  Well that’s exactly who gets it if we don’t show up, and we, Bitter Readers, are probably more qualified than anyone because of our obvious intelligence and superiour sense of humour!  Not that Jury Duty is funny… gno wei.  It’s serious business!  GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY, Dammit!

Sigh… I wonder why they never pick me?  Maybe now that I’m applying for British citizenship, this whole new country will give me a chance to show them what a true asset I could be to their criminal justice system.  I can’t freaking wait!

Over here in the Colonies, either we have a penchant for electing men to office who (A) won’t go home when the party is over, and (B) won’t keep their penis in their pants or confine said penii to a wife/partner, or American males’ combined Intelligence/Propriety Quotient has slipped way into the red zone.  We have a helluva crop of men—not drugged-out, megalomaniac Hollywoodies—but dammit all, elected politicians–who insist upon doing truly stupid things publicly.

Everyone remembers the anticlimactic—you should excuse the expression—Presidential sex scandal when then-US President Bill Clinton received some on-the-job relief from Ms. Monica Lewinsky, asked her to lie about it, faced the TV cameras himself and said, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Smiling Bill then lied to Congress his-damn-self and was impeached for lying, then continued to serve out his term. Where I come from that is called, “getting spanked…” (Code: “…on the wrist.”).

Fall of 2006, then-Congressional Representative Mark Foley, R-Fla., was accused of “inappropriate sexual contact with minors” those minors being teen-aged boys serving as Pages in that august institution.  The predictable posturing ensued, until the weasel was confronted with hard-copies of his steamy emails, after which he resigned and checked himself into an “Arizona facility.” His attorney’s statement said Foley was gay, an alcoholic, and had been molested by a priest as a teenage altar boy in Florida.  (In my university Logic class they called that a “Red Herring.”)

Godawmighty! It ain’t even safe to go to the toilet in—of all places that otta be safe—an airport.  Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) was arrested and pled guilty when held on a complaint of lewd conduct in the Minneapolis, MN, airport. (Notice I’ve skipped right past all the gut-busting things I could say about Homeland Security.) Senator Craig, a conservative Republican, has defended American morals by a public stand against gay and lesbian issues, chiefly same-sex marriage.  When facing the camera about these charges, the first thing he wanted the voters to know apparently was, “I’m not gay.”  (Did I just hear San Francisco emit a sigh of relief?)

I really want to know what it is about men and their dicks; then, throw power into the mix, and they get just nutty. I know it IS possible that there are women who’ve been elected to office who both (A) and (B)—yet, somehow they manage to stay out of (public toilets) and the media with their shenanigans.

In light of all this hanky-panky, I’m considering not using the Ladies loo any more. The best you can do in there is eavesdrop on juicy dishing and maybe scrounge a bit of hairspray. Hell, if I’da known you could get laid in the Men’s Room, I’da made the switch a long time ago.

I nearly didn’t blog today because nothing was funny to me.  Seriously.  Nothing.  I could hear a perfectly good joke and just not laugh.  I can’t explain it.  I’m not crabby especially, or tired.  I don’t have a cold.  I had a relatively productive day.  Our boy won his game at the US Open. I now have 7 fans at StumbleUpon.  I even got to annoy a bitch that really drives me up a wall.  Plus, I got Bitter Women added to humor-blogs.com.  Not that it’s particularly hard to get in there… but it was just a little happy thing to see that it had gotten approved.

And… I’m sick of reading ‘humor’ blogs that aren’t funny.  But as soon as I realised this, I started putting all kinds of funny pressure on myself (Okay that sounded dirty, and it made me smile, so maybe today isn’t lost.)

I think I might write a short article of rules on writing humor blogs.  Like… if you don’t smile at least once while making each entry, you shouldn’t post it. (See how neatly I skated around that one with the above paragraph?)

So, since I’m worried that I’m not as funny as I think I should be in order to justify writing today, I’ll just post this picture that my mom stole from somewhere and sent me, and it made me make truly unladylike noises when I saw it.

 

I’ll try harder tomorrow.  Promise. 

Google Adsense is contexual advertising.  For those who don’t know what that means, Wikipedia says:

Contextual advertising is the term applied to advertisements appearing on websites or other media, such as content displayed in mobile phones, where the advertisements are selected and served by automated systems based on the content displayed by the user.

So, they scan the pages and try to present advertising that you, the Bitter Readers, want to see.  Here are some gems I’ve seen on this month’s posts:

---

 Heh.. this one I probably get because I take the “lord’s” name in vain on a few of my posts… maybe.  Or maybe Google thinks we need saving.   Although I find the expression “Jesus Army” quite disturbing, because although I’m not a Christian, I do believe that the man himself was a pacifist.  Although correct me if I’m wrong. 

---

I haven’t visited this website, but I find myself laughing my butt off at the web name… “inside a guy’s mind”.  Hahahaha!  Okay, okay, I don’t want to offend my male readers, because I’m really not anti-male in the least.  But this ad is just… Ugh.  What men really want is a maid who looks and dresses like a Victoria’s Secret model who likes football.  Oh sorry.. did I say that out loud?  Lasting Love Indeed.

---

 Yes, what we all need… our own smoking shelters.  LOL.  This probably came up because I posted about ‘Smelly Brits’ and the smoking ban in pubs.  You’d think Google would have picked up on that and advertised some lysol or domestos.

Yuck!

---

This is just so condescending I can hardly think straight.  Broke but beautiful?   I suppose because it reminds me of those creepy guys who say “all women are beautiful”.  Sorry, but they really aren’t.  Some of them are ignorant, annoying, drama-mongering bitches.  But I guess that wouldn’t make snappy ad copy. 

I’ve never gotten nominated for any blogging awards, but I think I see a serious gap in the Blog Award market.  You know… REAL awards…. awards for the things you actually think when you read a blog.

When I read a blog, I don’t think “that’s the best humor blog” or “she’s a hot mommy-blogger”, I think, “Holy Crap, your life sucks”.

Which is why I came up with this:

   

I’ll put them in the ‘Awards’ page of the blog.  Feel free to award this to anyone you like!  Ha!  I’ll even put a link to their site on the Bitter Women Awards Page.

More to come!