I’ve warned you before that I’m a crap poet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it. So rather than explain the night I had last night, I thought I’d share this little bit of gastronomical insight with you.

Why Does My Tummy Get Upset?
by Jayne MacIntyre

Of all the bits we’ve got
And of all complaints we get
From temples down to toes
Why does Tummy get upset?

Our eyes don’t get irate
Nor our elbows get annoyed
Our ankles seem quite placid
And any arguments avoid

Why even when we’re achy
Have a fever through and through
Not even snuffled noses
Moan and cry like Tummies do.

So what is Tummy’s problem?
We demand to know just who
Causes so much aggravation
And emotional to-do.

I had hoped that you would ask me!
Said Tummy with a cry.
You treat me rather nicely
With the ice cream, mints and pie

It started with your pancreas
(She’s really quite a bother)
Then your liver took her side
And sense would not have stopped her.

Then your heart reminded me
How far I was below
And your bowel got irritated
Said I’d mucked up the show!

Your spleen is just plain spiteful
Without logic, sense or reason
They’ve all gone and ganged up on me
I’m telling you it’s treason!

I don’t have to put up with this!
I think I might walk out!
Of course I’m quite emotional
And rail and sometimes shout

So your elbows don’t complain?
I don’t suppose they do.
They don’t have to put up
With all the things that I’ve been through!

Aha, I truly understand
I have nosy neighbours too
So remember to be patient
If your Tummy upsets you!

——

© Copyright Bitter Women Poetry 2007. All Rights Reserved. Yes, I’m actually telling you not to copy or distribute this vomit inspired poem. — Jayne

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From my last article where I mentioned control freaks, I found there was at least one person who disagreed that such a concept was bad. Then I ran across this, and just had to share it with you.

I can’t decide if it’s funnier that this is listed on a site for Valentine Gift Ideas , or that it was actually my husband that showed it to me.  Oh and if you’re serious about wanting one, it IS a British site, but I checked.. they will ship to the US. 

The buttons are a tad hard to read.  According to their site, they say things like:

• Listen,
• Stop Snoring
• Talk about Feelings
• Tell the Truth
• Propose

Personally, I’d like one that was a tad more universal, because if I was going to get to push buttons that would make people do things, I wouldn’t limit it to men, and I’d want to say things like:

• Shut up
• Ummm, shut up
• But mostly: shut up.

If I could control just those three things about people, I’d be in heaven.

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Although we’re technically Blogging for Bitter Women, this one is for the guys.

Quick Tip #3: There is NO Bank

Women might indicate otherwise, for motives I wouldn’t care to speculate on, but when it comes to earning “points” with the woman in your life, there is no bank.  The credit you earn now is the credit you have.   You can’t point back to a good thing you did a week ago and say “But hey I did the dishes without being asked last week.”  It don’t work that way.

Now some might consider this cruel, but it’s not… it’s just simply the way it is, and the sooner you understand the truth of the Chick Point System, the sooner you will be able to achieve the happy status of understanding you so desire.

Let me give you an example:

1. Monday:  Buy flowers for her.  + 10 points
2. Tuesday: Do dishes without being asked +5 points (Assuming this is a point of contention or something you don’t normally do.) Note: This gets fewer points than flowers because you dont’ have to leave the house or spend money to do it.
3. Wednesday: Give her fantastic, thoughful, multi-orgasmic sex. +10 points. (Although you don’t have to leave the house or spend money for this one… hey.. it’s good orgasms.  Shut up.)
4. Thursday: Remember to put gas/diesel in the car on the way home, knowing that she’s going to be using the car first thing in the morning and won’t want to have to stop.  +15 points.

Now.. the quiz… On Friday morning, how many points does he have?

The novice would look at that and say, “Easy… 40 points!”  Oh, you poor, dear soul.  

The correct answer: 0 points.

Don’t cry to me about it.  You should thank me for explaining this.  You got credits for what you did on Monday-Thursday, no doubt, but just remember.. there is no bank.

Remember this, and your life will get easier.  Promise.

(My apologies, by the way, for all the contextual Google  “Get Cheap Credit” ads that are undoubtedly going to be appearing for this one!)

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I posted this originally on AboutBlogging, but I thought I’d post it here too for those of you Bitter Readers who don’t go to both, because I want you to know that I’ve added a couple of things to make commenting here just that much more rewarding!

#1 … I’ve installed Lucia’s Linky Love on both this blog and the AboutBlogging blog. It’s a dofollow wordpress plugin that will enable commenters to get linkbacks to their own sites. (Currently, if you leave a comment on a blog, you do not get link “juice” for it in Google/Technorati with relation to their rankings. This plugin fixes that.) However, to prevent “human comment spammers leaving insipid, irrelevant comments just to get link-juice”, I’m setting this plugin to reward only users who comment 3 times. This way if you’re a regular participant, you get some linky love!

Another thing I’ve added is what I decided to call “Be A Community Builder”. It’s just a way of letting new commenters know that you will show them some love!

Here’s the “pledge”:

…for every new person who leaves a comment on my blog for the first time. I will:

1) Visit your blog or website
2) Visit Several Pages
3) Leave a comment on a post if have something to say
4) If I like your articles/posts, I will bookmark them in Digg, StumbleUpon, Reddit, or other appropriate Social Network.
5) If you tell me that you have subscribed to my RSS feed then I will subscribe to yours as well.

If you’re willing to take the Community Builder pledge(ish), saying that you’re willing to make an effort to do these things for your readers, then why not make a post or put up an icon saying so?

I created some icons which you can see here, and if you email me (my address is on my About page), I will also send you the png files with the layers if you want to edit them yourself to match your website or background a little better. Also, if you comment either here or over at AboutBlogging on the appropriate posts saying that you want to join up, I’ll add your website link to that post on AboutBlogging.

Which I think it’s just pretty darned cool. Thanks Fish!

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WARNING: If you are a man, a mommyblogger, and/or of delicate nature, you may wish to avert your eyes now. In fact, I’m even going to add a “more” tag to this, because I’d hate to think you got blindsided with details that might upset the balance of your life. I swore I’d never post about ooky things, like diapers and diarrhea, and as far as I’m concered, menstruation falls in the category of things we really don’t need to discuss, however after stumbling across a Mommyblog this weekend, I feel a serious rant burning a hole in my brain, so I’m breaking the rules. By the way, if you want to write me something hateful which I will most definitely ignore, please write to bitterwomen [at] bloggerbingo [dot] com.

DISCLAIMER: I’m sure there are a hecka-lotta intelligent mommybloggers out there. I have met a few, including AnEnglishMum , among others. If you are one and know some others, you could form a “I’m a Mommyblogger But Don’t Have My Head Up My Ass” club. If such a club already exists, please let me know, and I’ll give them a link.

So… click below if you want to read on from here….

(more…)

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