Today I’m feeling tired and crabby, so I’ll let you laugh at someone else’s wittiness while I regroup. Seriously. You must read these.

• Yesterday, I channelled Martha Stewart. Last Night, it was Larry Craig
• Meowlingual - I swear to god I’m going to make one of these for women someday.
• Brain Eating Amoeba <- sept 27th .. couldn’t link directly to it, but it’s worth finding…. sorry but you have to scroll through a few days.
• Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About

Hope you all had a great weekend, and I’ll see you tomorrow with more happy-bitter stuff. 

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The other day I actually read the instructions that come with Tampons. Seriously. There’s instructions. You’d think it would be rather obvious, but hell they give instructions on boxes of figs, so sure, why not? Besides, if you’re 12 years old and feeling left to your own devices, it could be a good thing, although I vaguely remember being 12 years old (the last time I actually bothered to look at those instructions) and being very confused by the crap illustrations. Yes, guys, it comes with pictures. But they are the most peculiar pictures of hoo-hoos I’ve ever seen. It’s like they were trying incredibly hard to be non-erotic to the point of even outdoing the non-eroticosity of high school ‘health’ textbooks.Ever since then I’ve gotten into reading the instructions on heretofore ignored household products. I cannot believe how stupid people, both manufacturers/marketing/labelling people and consumers, must be for these things to have come about.

Exhibit 1:

Right. Ears I’ve heard of, but are there people out there so delicate that they use implements to pick their noses? Tissues, sure. Sometimes ya gotta tidy up, but this is a tool, folks, and it never never never occured to me to stick it up my nose. Till now. Now it’s all I can think about. What if….

Exhibit 2:

Our drugs are so mystically powerful, that if you let the little buggers even SEE it, irreparable harm could be done.

Exhibit 3:

I so much enjoyed the fact that this drug instruction sheet included the baby-talk translation of the word “rectum” that I added my own, in case someone taking these drugs (which are part of a fertility regimen, btw), is not mature enough to know what their vagina is either. If you notice the last bit, it also made me want to go ask my pharmacist how to put something up my ass.

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Am I the only person in the world who hates optical illusions? (click image to make it even bigger and scarier)

Seriously… isn’t that horrifically freaky? I find this stuff usually on StumbleUpon, but this particular one I got from Grapes 2.0.

These things make me feel stupid and like all my people aren’t onside. My eyes just shouldn’t be allowed to disagree with my brain like that.

Everyone work together dammit! Life is hard enough without crap like this. Seriously.

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Today I got this message from feedburner via my Google Reader:

“Your Source Feed, http://www.bloggerbingo.com/bitterwomen/feed/, is now working fine. Carry on! We will let you know if anything bad happens in the future.”

Wow, like my own little personal CNN.

Alert!  Jayne!  Hubby thinks you have onion breath!

-or-

Alert!  Jayne!  Son is eating cookies 30 minutes before dinner!

Because the regular CNN just notifies me of things that can’t possibly affect my life, like:

Alert!  Jayne!  Britney Spears has done something stupid again! 

-or-

Alert!  Jayne! Lots of people die hideously! Again today!

It’s always freaking something, but I tell you, I’m sort of liking the idea of this RSS alert telling me any time something bad happens.   As long as it’s all about ME, baby.

But then it might be more fun to have something tell me when something good happens.  Damn.  Even technology has gotten cynical.  

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I’m a bit under the weather these last few days, so short post today.  Apologise in advance for what promises to be a spotty week, post-wise.

Weird thing: I was reading a book today (this isn’t the weird part) and I realised that whenever I see the word “balaclava”, I pronounce it “baklava”.

I must be more pie obsessed than I realised.*

*Shut up. I know baklava isn’t pie.

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