The other day I actually read the instructions that come with Tampons. Seriously. There’s instructions. You’d think it would be rather obvious, but hell they give instructions on boxes of figs, so sure, why not? Besides, if you’re 12 years old and feeling left to your own devices, it could be a good thing, although I vaguely remember being 12 years old (the last time I actually bothered to look at those instructions) and being very confused by the crap illustrations. Yes, guys, it comes with pictures. But they are the most peculiar pictures of hoo-hoos I’ve ever seen. It’s like they were trying incredibly hard to be non-erotic to the point of even outdoing the non-eroticosity of high school ‘health’ textbooks.Ever since then I’ve gotten into reading the instructions on heretofore ignored household products. I cannot believe how stupid people, both manufacturers/marketing/labelling people and consumers, must be for these things to have come about.

Exhibit 1:

Cotton Swabs

Right. Ears I’ve heard of, but are there people out there so delicate that they use implements to pick their noses? Tissues, sure. Sometimes ya gotta tidy up, but this is a tool, folks, and it never never never occured to me to stick it up my nose. Till now. Now it’s all I can think about. What if….

Exhibit 2:

Sudafed

Our drugs are so mystically powerful, that if you let the little buggers even SEE it, irreparable harm could be done.

Exhibit 3:

Cyclogest

I so much enjoyed the fact that this drug instruction sheet included the baby-talk translation of the word “rectum” that I added my own, in case someone taking these drugs (which are part of a fertility regimen, btw), is not mature enough to know what their vagina is either. If you notice the last bit, it also made me want to go ask my pharmacist how to put something up my ass.